Why breathwork? Why now?

‘What is it you’re searching for?’, she asked, her eyes fixed on mine with a pained expression on her face… My twin towers of impassivity and emotional meltdown representing an inexplicable dichotomy for her, as ever. In this case, impassivity won. ‘Well’, I said, realising that I didn’t need to justify myself despite knowing the response might not make sense, nor necessarily answer her question in a way she found meaningful… ‘I used to be searching for something… but then when I found ‘it’, I realised ‘it’ was me’.
Sitting back, I realised that this was really true, and that if someone has not walked that path themselves, it will not make sense to them one iota. Nor does it have to. I have spent many years (over three decades!) justifying what I want and who I am… or perhaps it’s more accurate to say I spent the first decade doing that and the second and third drifting further away from what I wanted and who I was. Until a crack appeared in the façade, and it all came tumbling down. A list doesn’t really suffice, but nor will I write an essay. Divorce, bereavement, relocation, being assaulted. All these I have encountered, but they are not my cross to bear. Here, I find myself jumping in to a breathwork facilitator training and I ask myself: what am I searching for? Not with desperation, but with curiosity. What am I searching for? What I am searching for… as ever, is love. Not love that is out-with me (though it’s there too, and I’m open to it) but love that IS me. The kind of love Mary Magdalene taught about, the love that is so powerful there have been many attempts to suppress this knowing. When we connect with it, we realise we’re infinite. Infinitely powerful. Infinitely sovereign. Infinitely wise and infinitely knowing. And all this, without imbibing or relying on anything outside of ourselves. The most profound energetic experiences I’ve ever had are during tantric work, during breathwork and during sex. It’s no accident that they’re all somatic, and involve connection to the body and something beyond the body, however intangible it may be. When I say ‘intangible’ though, immediately a gnoing settles within me, which is that the only way you can call something SO tangible ‘intangible’ is if you feel you have to justify it to someone, and so we come full circle. Can I explain why I’ve been called to breathwork? Not with any cogency, no. Which is exactly why I know I’m in the perfect place with divine timing.