The stories we're told about who we are...

Learning to trust myself has been a long and interesting process. It was not until fairly recently that I had the insight that this was because I received fairly conclusive feedback that I am not a sensible, rational or trustworthy person from my mum. Even as I type that a little lurch rises through my body. The audacity! It says… The barefaced cheek to throw back into the face of everything you’ve been given! And yes, I was provided for in my childhood in all the ways that mean I shouldn’t technically be suffering any ill effects in my adult life. Yet for little Claire, I sense, there was a yawning chasm where attunement might have been. I wonder how early I began to receive the message that my feelings were ‘too big’, ‘inconvenient’, ‘badly timed’ and irrational. Never quite receiving the message that while all of these things may be true, it was actually the message that it should be any different that was the most damaging. I know, because occasionally, unconsciously, or before I catch myself, I deliver them to my own daughter. When I’m overwhelmed, I tell her she’s too much. When I don’t have time, I tell her this isn’t the time. When she’s feeling something I can’t understand, I tell her it’s irrational. Then, I become more fully aware that I am passing on the internalised messages that I received as a child and young adult, and that I still receive today. 
So how do I trust myself to make the big decisions that I necessarily have to make as the only adult in my house, and the visionary leader of a business I plan to make a huge impact with? I breathe, and I be. I learn to accept the parts of myself that I have thus far rejected, and in doing so I become a better therapist, mother, friend, lover, partner and business owner. I become more whole. 
I recently signed up to Breathing Space’s Breathwork Teacher and Leadership training. It is a part of my commitment to follow my intuition more than the fears and doubts that naturally arise in me, as a human. Without having finished my facilitator training, it may seem a little mad to sign up to the further training, but as I breathed into the decision, I realised that one of my biggest stretches is to trust myself on this and every other decision and path I may make and take. I am done with being afraid of ‘failure’ and I am done defining ‘success’ with anything other than my own parameters. I believe that my version of success may never meet that of my parents, or those around me. I know that I may take greater risks (and the risks I take are still fairly small so far) than others believe is wise or right. I know that it is probably these things that fed into those narratives others may have about me, and I continue to be the one who writes the story of my life- and to unapologetically be the central character, too. 

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